how to find validation within yourself

Validation: Why do I care so much what people think?

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I’m going to be honest, I have no clue yet. I’m writing this so maybe future me can have a little journal entry to look back on. I am no expert, just another face trying to make sense of all this.

That first statement on its own was hard enough for me to say. For the longest time I was so sure that I didn’t care what people thought and that none of it mattered to me. But at the same time, it’s not black & white.

Yes, I do care what my loved ones think of me. I whole-heartedly do not want to disappoint the people I care about. I crave their approval deep down.

“When we urgently aim to please other people, we’re seeking approval of self from outside sources. And whenever we reach for something in the outside world to give us what we should be giving ourselves, we set ourselves up for disappointment.”

psychology today

This quote hit me hard because I have been living it almost my whole life. I externally seek validation and get my hopes up; this makes me more susceptible to disappointment: it’s that little gut feeling I have when I feel like my instagram followers don’t like something I posted about or it’s the feelings that consumes me when my mom isn’t the happiest with me for not doing my dishes right away.

I am looking for their approval, and I get engulfed with disappointment in myself that I’m not perfect.

I think the biggest thing here is not only a confessional to myself, but a reminder that we are not perfect (cliche but true). Finding validation within ourselves takes time. It’s a long process.

Step One: It all starts with self-awareness.

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But the biggest first step is self-awareness & remembering that you are in control of your own life.It can make us more proactive, boost our acceptance, and encourage positive self-development (Sutton, 2016).

Self-awareness allows us to see things from the perspective of others, practice self-control, work creatively and productively, and experience pride in ourselves and our work as well as general self-esteem (Silvia & O’Brien, 2004).

Positive Psychology

Realizing that we are in control and we each have the power to reset or relearn how we see things. I’m going to start my “self validation journey” with this first step and go from there.

Join me on my journey by hitting that follow button. We’re in this together.

Lots of love,

foot

finding a new normal & learning to forgive yourself

I’m sure we are all in a similar boat; we’re still trying to find a new normal, a new routine, a new purpose, a new channel of motivation.

The hardest part for me has been to accept that my productivity is going to look different right now. I’m not going to be able to go go go and knock everything off my to-do list (if i even have one). It’s been hard to forgive myself and let myself sleep a bit more, or mindlessly scroll on my phone more. I’ve never been the best at going easy on myself so this period has helped me self-reflect and really hone in to what that could mean for me.

I have been living home with my parents since I graduated last May from my undergrad, so thankfully being home isn’t completely new to me. But of course now with quarantine my brother is home from university and all being stuck inside together has its challenges.

Anyway onto some positivity!!

A couple weeks ago a professor I’m working on a research publication with sent me a link to an article on forgiving yourself during this mess of a time. It really resonated with me so I thought I’d share it here.

Some of my highlights:

“Your first few days and weeks in a crisis are crucial, and you should make ample room to allow for a mental adjustment. It is perfectly normal and appropriate to feel bad and lost during this initial transition.”

“Next, ignore everyone who is posting productivity porn on social media right now. It is OK that you keep waking up at 3 a.m. It is OK that you forgot to eat lunch and cannot do a Zoom yoga class. It is OK that you have not touched that revise-and-resubmit in three weeks.”

“Ignore the people who are posting that they are writing papers and the people who are complaining that they cannot write papers. They are on their own journey. Cut out the noise.”

The biggest stand out to me was how we are all on our own journey. Simple, but true. My ways of coping and finding this new normal is going to be completely different from yours. It’s been hard to forgive myself and accept that I’m making the most with what I’ve got.

“Know that you are not failing. Let go of all of the profoundly daft ideas you have about what you should be doing right now. Instead, focus intensely on your physical and psychological security.”

But most importantly, I want to end with this.

“Understand that this is a marathon. If you sprint at the beginning, you will vomit on your shoes by the end of the month. Emotionally prepare for this crisis to continue for 12 to 18 months, followed by a slow recovery. If it ends sooner, be pleasantly surprised. Right now, work toward establishing your serenity, productivity, and wellness under sustained disaster conditions”

We’re all on our own journey and I hope that you guys are all safe. Enjoy your weekend 🙂

Lots of love,

foot
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